Valuable Data

Figure 1 illustrates our scientific theory about why most coffee served in Winnipeg tastes similar, i.e. bad.  

Coffee diagram
Figure 1. Natural underground coffee aquifers in Manitoba

We believe there exists natural coffee deposits beneath Winnipeg from which most restaurants get their coffee. In the “wet” season of spring and summer the water naturally mixes with the subterranean coffee, or mud beans, deep below the city and is easily pumped out and piped to restaurants just as drinking water is supplied by the city.  

The restaurant need only heat it up and serve it as their own. The pain and bother of “brewing” coffee in the hundreds of individual establishments is thus avoided. 

During the winter months it is necessary to actively pump hot water down to the mud beans to extract the flavour as the underground “lake” recedes; the pipes would be bunged up with coffee slush even if the lake was still extant.

Figure 2: Numbered Cow Parts

Not every restaurant takes advantage of the municipality’s offer of endless brown water and some rare locations choose to actually use their own machines, water and coffee beans purchased from mysterious sounding lands such as “Mexico” “Eeth ee oh pee ah” and “French Roast” where ever that is.  As most Winnipeggers can not tell the difference, according to restaurant owners, between mud bean hole pumpings and actual coffee we assume this activity will slowly die out.

Figure 3: Tasty Piggy Parts

Figures 2 and 3 illustrate the confusion around the origins of breakfast sausages. Is one factory near Brandon Manitoba producing Canada’s supply? We hope to get a Canadian Research Council grant to explore this question.  In the mean time we will continue with our own privately funded data collection in Winnipeg restaurants. 

(N.B. Sexy breakfast intern needed for note taking and sausage testing. Must have scientific mind and filthy sense of humour. Must also have own note pad and be a girl.)

Picture 10
Figure 4: Baffling search engine behaviour from 2009

Figure 4 illustrates the strange behaviour elicited from the internet when you ask for an image of  “very weak coffee”. Sometimes online research is really dumb and useless. As a wise old man once said “100 idiots do not replace one genius”.

In order to explain the mud bean weakosity encountered in our travels a test was devised. In honour of the place it was developed it is called the Campsie Test. 

The Campsie Restaurant is sadly no longer with us but the Tallest Poppy has moved in to the same location at 103 Sherbrook street, Winnipeg. The Campsie was notorious for serving us room temperature eggs on greasy tables along with the weakest coffee we have ever encountered.

The test is as follows; a full carafe of coffee is held up to a test pattern, the Saturday newspaper for example, and the test pattern is attempted to be seen through the coffee. If you can read through the carafe of full coffee then it passes the Campsie Test and the whole table cries “Huzzah!” and orders tea instead.

Figure 5  on the left, indicates very very weak coffee (well water) and figure 6 indicates a carafe full of black paint. Proper strong coffee lies somewhere in between.

Sambal Olek
Figure 7: Hot eggs anyone?

Figure 7 illustrates the typical hot sauces that are unavailable at most restaurants. We like hot sauce on our eggs and bacon. Some of us like hot sauce on our waffles. Soy sauce and Sweet and Low may be considered “hot” by some but they are not invited to brek. Frank’s Red Hot sauce is nummy. Tabasco sauce is kind of icky. (Hot and vinegary with little flavour) Sambal Olek in both the seedy (red top) and non-seedy (green top) are both particularly nummy. Hot sauce on waffles is called the devil’s checkerboard. Thus endeth the lesson.